Seize Everything
Seize Everything

Random Criminals

So I own this book called Vornheim; The Complete City Kit. The author, who’s blog I read regularly, is currently running a contest regarding this book. The due date for entries is tomorrow (by the time I’m done writing this and actually post it, it’ll probably look more like “later today”), and I don’t have anything written yet, don’t even have a topic, and have but a few hours to write something up, but why the hell should that stop me?

First step: Topic. What might I write that I’d find useful in the Gutterpunk campaign I’m running? Easy question: A method of randomly generating criminals. Whether they be contacts of the players, the thugs mugging them or merely passing references made by passers-by, I figure this table will give me something to reach for when I need to flesh out the gangs of Tahmoor in a hurry. Vornheim has its Aristocrats table: I have my gangsters and thugs tables.

Update: I figure a five-way tie for third is still winning, especially in a contest where the only entries that get prizes are the ones the judge actually plans to use in his games. With that in mind, I won! Thank you, criminals and degenerates of Tahmoor, for your valiant efforts.


Roll once to get a fully-fledged NPC, roll multiple times to get a randomly-generated one. In the descriptions column, change “he” to “her” as needed.

01  Ceon The Black Unflappable and logical. Believes every ridiculous conspiracy theory there is.
02  Aspo The Red Eats candied leeches. Has gold teeth.
03  Elli The Spider Perpetually enraged.
04  Rauko of Verdan In love with most powerful NPC in campaign. Will never tell anyone unless drunk.
05  Tasteser Halfman Spins daggers between his fingers. Loves poetry.
06  Keri The Maker Secretly a serial killer.
07  Conon The Ghost Tattooed all over with butterflies. Believes that the tattoos allow him to fly when there is no moon.
08  Echo The Jackel Disgustingly racist. Cannot actually tell most races apart.
09  Annett The Smiler Tinkers with clocks and mechanical limbs.
10  Ariane The Weeper Builds weird techno-magic weapons in an attic.
11  Preda Queenmourner Amateur soothsayer. Never smiles.
12  Landgren of Midnight Hates everyone.
13  Chronis of Merdallan Extremely competent. Drinks heavily while on the job, never at any other time.
14  Nast The Yellow Owes everyone money.
15  Demere The White Smiles a lot, knows all the dancers in the Lower City.
16  Ducci The Green Amateur musician. Surprisingly good.
17  Chelette The Orange Believes the PCs are responsible for some recent small misfortune (losing a sock, tripping, etc).
18  Domingo The Gold Speaks a made-up language.
19  Ozella Dogsson Secretly an agent for the Darrigan East Exports Company (or some other mercantile concern).
20  Kano Two-Hands Watches for omens. Believes all of them are bad.
21  Boyd of the Rope Triple agent.
22  Mirtha The Righteous Hates snakes. Wears one around his neck.
23  Emanuel Unseen Self-orphaned.
24  Weinrich The Hanged Attends every service at the Grand Cathedral. Atheist.
25  Janay Boneman Instinctively punches small dogs. Cheats at cards.
26  Wei Lacklost Has his brain in a glass case.
27  Donica The Forsaken Tall, stern, tells very good jokes while glaring.
28  Darnell The Mad Cannot remember anything further than a week ago.
29  Giambanco The Craven Grieving forever for his lost love.
30  Montee The Ungainly Untrained boxer. Bets on himself in underground pit fights. Wins more often than not.
31  Doege of the Streets Has a bridge he wants to sell the PCs.
32  Sting of the Rooftops Has a glass plate in his chest, behind which his heart beats.
33  Black of the High Alleys Is protected by a minotaur.
34  Wach of the Lower City Is friends with every moneylender in the city.
35  Red of the Underground Eyes glow red when angry. Denies any demonic parentage.
36  Green The Ax Stares at one of the PCs. Ignores everyone else. Speaks in monosyllables.
37  Yellow The Lesser Perpetually stoned. Knows the secrets of every major player and faction in city politics.
38  Blue The Second Spy for one of the other gangs in the city.
39  Turtle Dwarf-Son Tells everyone he’s an exiled noble from a distant land. No one believes him.
40  Santos The Bastard Foreigner who does not really understand anything that’s happening.
41  Speyer The Seraphim Makes constant sexual innuendos, does not seem to realize it.
42  Caris The Knife Originally from a distant land. Does not like to be reminded of it.
43  Pulcher The Noble Wants to ride a dragon. Deathly afraid of fire.
44  Laue The Grieved Secretly an archmage. Kills spiders on sight.
45  Blackley The Spitter Extremely good horseman. Will tell anyone who is willing to listen about this amazing pie he once ate.
46  Soult The Wanton Habitually stabs his own leg with a prop theater knife.
47  Lane The Unholy Will get around to writing that grand philosophical book one of these days.
48  Illa The Unknown Obsessed with getting the answer to some question that has no meaning to anyone else.
49  Singson of the Orb Believes the stars are the eyes of dead elves, watching him. Will not go outside on cloudless nights.
50  Yuonne Giantslayer Wears a necklace of human skulls. Kind, generous, and good with children.
51  Mebus Dragonslayer Has made a hobby of beating urchins in dark alleys.
52  Sarchet Ratslayer Secretly a werewolf.
53  Alicuben Whoresbane True heir to the throne of some distant kingdom, wants to reclaim his throne someday.
54  Yue The Nail Dreams of saving up enough money to get out of the city.
55  Zant The Hammer Untrained alchemist. Unlucky.
56  Jainswol The Captain Completely unafraid of supernatural threats. Terrified of blades and needles.
57  Rieter The Deserter Possessed by a greater demon.
58  Tayse The Forger Believes himself to be a great artist. Is, in fact, a great artist.
59  Arlean Come-Late Addicted to the white poppy.
60  Hunter The Penniless Speaks with serpents.
61  Fear The Disturbed Ex-pirate. Wears an eyepatch and a soul patch.
62  Carlo Ratcatcher Has a mechanical arm with small built-in flamethrower, occasional malfunctions.
63  Migel Mancatcher Wears a monocle and brocade waistcoat.
64  Sage Dragonsbreath Actually a member of the opposite sex, disguised.
65  Yen The Company Man Probable orcish ancestry. Will poison anyone who mentions it.
66  Hai The Waterman Owns a famous fighting animal from the fighting rings in the Narrows.
67  Tuan The Assassin Believes himself to be a spy. What he perceives as orders from his superiors are actually random events.
68  Chieves The Rope Plotting the doom of everyone around him.
69  Jasca The Northerner Has a personal vendetta against a specific deity.
70  Wes The Elf Takes obsessive notes.
71  Stitch The Painted Wears only black. Believes the world to be flat, and will dual anyone who says otherwise.
72  Tebbe The Dwarf Takes a hat from each man he kills. Will not kill someone who does not own a hat.
73  Yong The Gnome Unsure if this is a dream or not.
74  Tosett The Priest Talks big. Can’t back it up himself, but his brother is a seven-foot-tall pit fighter.
75  Lanius The Pophet Cannot abide the color red. Carries a brass-tipped walking stick.
76  Foster Gibbermouth Wants to start a band. Will inquire as to whether or not any of the PCs play instruments.
77  Cecala of the Fens Brags about killing a relative of one of the PCs.
78  Young of the Sea Speaks every language except the one they speak here.
79  Skene The Rock Has been resurrected five times.
80  Dekrey The Heartless Abomination of science.
81  Knaust The Grey Worm Targeted by skilled assassins. Has survived thus far due to sheer luck. Thinks all previous assassination attempts were coincidences.
82  Swatki The Unsullied Does not actually have any internal organs; somehow still alive despite this.
83  Ezra The Wolf Has contagious dreams.
84  Aldo The Wolfshead Has worked for every major faction in the city. Is somehow still on good terms with all of them.
85  Ferdinand The Berserker In a wheelchair. Wields a battleax.
86  Etsuko Wanted Makes gloves out of kittens. Does not understand the distinction between good and evil.
87  Compagno Sellsword Never worries about anything. Can kill a man at fifty feet with a thrown knife.
88  Syrek Sellscroll Secretly controls the supply of opium to half the city.
89  Royal Bladesmith Expert archer. Does not own a bow.
90  Thiesse The Witch Really, really wants everyone to forget that embarrassing thing that he did.
91  Quillian The Wizard Is always cold. Feels smothered by heavy clothing.
92  Seems The Sorcerer Always wears a forced, teeth-clenched smile. Means every word he says.
93  Heline The Prince Worries about things outside of his control. Avoids priests.
94  Tock The Tattered Smokes anything he can get his hands on. Does not know how to recognize real drugs.
95  Zaya The Banker Thinks he was made for better things than this shit.
96  Inverso The Shark Knows where a fantastic treasure is buried outside of the city. Has never quite gotten around to digging it up. If pressed about it, will just shrug and say “It’s not going anywhere.”
97  Tallhelm The Pirate Lifelong slave, looking for a new master.
98  Pratillo The King Broke. Refuses to borrow money.
99  Hausauer The Queen Has a blood feud with half the city.
00  Dane The Ace Never stops punching.

Criminal Profession:

01-03  Pickpocket
04-06  Extorter
09-12  Smuggler
13-15  Arms Dealer
16-18  Forger
29-21  Conspirator
22-24  Whore
25-27  Burglar
28-31  Mugger
32-34  Assassin
35-37  Swindler
38-40  Kidnapper
41-43  Arsonist
44-46  Thug
47-49  Drug Dealer
50-52  Black Market Merchant
53-55  Spy
56-58  Heretic
59-60  Mage
61-62  Rogue Artificer
63-65  Fortune Teller
66-69  Locksmith
70-71  Street-Rat
72-74  Beggar
75-77  Bounty Hunter
78-81  Buccaneer
81-82  Fence
83-84  Gambler
85-86  Poisoner
87-88  Doctor
89-90  Summoner
91-92  Information Broker
93-94  Pimp
95-96  Mercenary
97-98  Loanshark
99  Doppelganger (roll again)
00  Undercover Chancery Agent (roll again)
  • reply Varrik ,

    I don’t get 49. The contradiction just doesn’t seem like it would fit that kind of crazy person, unlike the others. I figured he’d be a total shut-in, making things very inconvenient if the PCs wanted to get him to do anything in a timely fashion.

    Also, 85 made me laugh loud enough to be glad nobody else was home. Well done.

    • reply Adam ,

      I don’t see a contradiction in 49. He won’t go outside at night unless there are clouds blocking out the stars, because he thinks they’re watching him. You could just meet him during the day if you knew about his particular neurosis.

      85 was almost an accident. I wrote up the list of names, titles and descriptions separately, so I wasn’t intending any of them to fit together–but Ferdinand the wheelchair-bound berserker is so good, I’m tempted to claim it wasn’t a coincidence.

      • reply Adam ,

        Wait. Shit. I wrote “cloudLESS,” didn’t I…

        Changing that.

      • reply JackShandy ,

        Oh my god, yes. Change “Dragon” to “Car” and this is exactly what I need for my 1920’s Call of Cthulhu campaign. Ta, could never be bothered hacking up a “100 Gangsters” table myself.

        • reply Adam ,

          You’re very welcome. Though you might have to change a few more things than just the dragons…the guy with his brain in a jar, for example, and maybe some of the names. Best of luck with your CoC game.

        Leave a comment

        This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

        © Copyright 2011-2018